Once I got my diagnosis I've tried to tune in to what my body is telling me. Every ache, twinge, pain, etc, etc, gets scrutinized. Is that the tumor? My logic tells me, NO! That is your body playing psychological tricks on your mind. You have no nerve endings in your rectum or colon so, it is your imagination. Mostly I ignore these feelings, because I believe most of what I've been feeling are just age-related aches and pains.

On September 8th, 2009, I had my EUS procedure, an endoscopic ultrasound, where they jammed an ultrasound wand up my arse and rubbed my tumor unmercifully. That is my opinion, probably not based upon facts. There was a camera up my arse as well because I watched the process on the monitor they had me hooked up to. I was drugged, more lightly than I was for my colonoscopy, so I wasn't drugged out, but was awake, I think, for the entire process. I remember not being in any pain, but it also wasn't comfortable. On top of that, I also had to give myself 3 enemas, before my EUS procedure. So I jammed the enema tube up my arse and applied a fair amount of saline solution into my Sigmoid colon.

In the early afternoon of September 8th, I noticed a fair amount of pressure on my sphincter and rectum area. It felt like I had to defecate. So I tried. There was almost nothing wanting to exit my body. However, the pressure was still there. Most of the rest of the day I continually had the feeling that I needed to defecate. I was mostly disappointed in the results for any attempts I made. I had none of the relief that you normally experience when you've relieved yourself.

The next morning, I had my CT scan appointment (for mapping my body for radiation therapy), so I had arranged to not be at work. But again I still had this pressure, without being able to alleviate the feeling. Time came for my appointment and off I go and return. While I was there, I didn't ask any medical people about it. There are side effects with most medications and procedures and there were warnings about this kind of reaction for the EUS. I just assumed that this was part of that. So we returned home.

Through out the day I kept going to the toilet about once an hour or so trying to reduce the pressure on my rectum. I remember thinking that my rectum must be bruised or something like that. I was getting no relief. It felt like I was constipated. It has been a very long time since I had been constipated. A very long time.

Ten minutes after I last tried to relieve this pressure, suddenly, very suddenly I had the urge to defecate. I was lying on the floor about 10 steps from the bathroom and I couldn't stop it. And each step I took toward the bathroom, a small amount of shit leaked out. By the time I reach the bathroom, I'd basically shitted myself. It is pretty humiliating feeling. I'm in my late fifties and I shitted myself. My underwear, my sweats, my socks, shitted on. I put my soiled clothing in the washer, and walk naked upstairs and take a shower. I note that I still have that pressure in my rectum like I could go, but there is nothing there..... I think. I thought that earlier too.

About an hour later I'm overcome with depression. I don't think I was thinking about my affliction. If so, it might have been sub consciously, but it was not consciously. Not sure where it came from. I don't think it came from my soiling myself. Logically I know that is not my fault and something I had no control over. But I'm feeling pretty alone. Not sure why. My wife and family are totally supporting me, my employer is very supportive, and I've been confident since the beginning of this ordeal. So I'm puzzled about where this is coming from, and I don't like it one bit.

I go to bed at my normal time. I sleep well, but when the alarm goes off at 4:50 AM, telling me it is time to get ready for work, well, I just can't do it. I feel exhausted. I feel depressed, still. I'm also afraid that I might shit myself at work and have an hour drive home before I can clean it up. I just can't deal with this. I call in sick, but I get up and go through my normal morning routines.

About 8:45 AM I lay on the couch, to watch some History channel program. Little Aurora, our female kitten jumps up and lays down near my legs. Next thing I remember it is 2 – 2 ½ hours later and I'm waking up. I feel very groggy. Within a ½ hour I notice the pressure in my rectum is much reduced, maybe 30% of what it had been the previous day. I don't feel quite as depressed as I had been.

The phone rings and it is the social worker that the radiation department has and she wants to talk to me. We talk. She is just checking in. I related some of the emotions and thoughts that I've had during this ordeal, the stuff I've blogged about here. She invites me to join a group therapy for people recently diagnosed with cancer. I decline. I tell her that I think that I'm OK, but I am worried about my wife. Anne Mary's parents, both in their middle eighties, are entering the twilight of their lives and are really struggling. At the same time I get cancer and the cherry on top is our youngest daughter has just left for college. We have an empty nest. Anne Mary appears to be doing fabulously carrying this load. But she keeps a lot of her emotions inside her. She is a private person. She is a pretty strong woman. I'm a lucky, lucky man. Thank you God, for all the blessing you have given me. I probably don't deserve them, but thank you!